Category Archives: transformation

A Story of Three Women

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This is a story about a mother and her daughter and of her daughter’s daughter. It begins in 1961. A period in time where mothers stayed home with their children and children were taught to be seen but not heard. Children were expected to be good girls and boys and respect their elders. Friends of their parents were addressed as Mr. and Mrs or Uncle and Aunt. These points are important as they play a role in the relationship between this mother and daughter and her daughter’s daughter.

When she was five, the daughter said something that seemed funny to her and apparently it was NOT to “Uncle Frank” and her mother. The shock of being harshly reprimanded for her childish act haunted her well into her later years. She was too young to understand relationships between mothers and fathers. One day, her father disappeared from her life and she ask her mother “why”? The mother replied, “We don’t talk about him anymore”. The mother saw a lot of “Uncle Frank” after her father disappeared and the daughter lived in fear of Uncle every time he visited.

When she was seven, the daughter got a new father, when one day, she was introduced to a man and his four children. They were all sitting in the kitchen of the home she shared with her brothers and her mother. Her mother said, “This is Mr. Dew and these are his children. They are living with us now as one big happy family and you will call him father”. In fact when the daughter went to school her last name was changed to his so she was recognized as one of his children. The daughter was now one of ten children where she was seen but not heard.

When she was twelve, the daughter saw her father, the one she knew as her father, at her brother’s wedding. Her father sat right behind her and when she turned to say hello, her mother stopped her. Her mother said “it would hurt her new father’s feelings if you turned around.” So the daughter sat looking forward because she was afraid of getting into trouble. Her mother said “that’s a good girl”. By the time she was free to reconnect with her father she knew as her father, he was gone, again. The daughter became aware of the anger growing inside of her towards her mother. It was also the beginning of the resentment she felt for her new father and the difficulties she was to create for him and her mother for years to come.

When she was fifteen, she learned that telling the truth was painful and life took an abrupt turn in her young life. The daughter told her Aunt about a great pain she had been carrying for a couple of years. She was suffering under the burden of her step-father’s inappropriate behaviour towards her when she was 13. The Aunt was horrified by this news and shared this with the daughter’s mother. The mother asked the step-father if this was true, and in front of her daughter, he said “no, it was not”. This was devastating to the daughter and when her mother took her step-fathers word over hers that the divide between mother and daughter ripped open beyond repair.

In her sixteenth year, the daughter left home filled with anger and hurt in her heart, not only for them but for herself as she grew older and became a mother herself. It was also the time that her father that she knew as her father passed away, leaving her yet again.

When she was twenty-one, the daughter discovered that her father she knew as her father, was not her biological father. Her Aunt felt the need to share the truth about her beginnings. To discover she had three fathers should have been quite devastating to the daughter but instead she became curious about the skeletons in her family closet and asked her mother for the truth. It was a truth her mother never wanted her daughter to know and now that she did, strangely, it was a truth that brought them together, they had something to work on together. They actively searched for the man who was her biological father, and there was peace between them. The daughter found pleasure in the knowing and she looked forward to being asked “who is your father?”. With a big smile on her face, her answer was always, “which one?, my biological father, the one I knew as my father, or my step-father?” Of course laughter would follow and she told her story over and over and over again until she became numb to impact this had for her. A few years past and the daughter found the courage she needed to reach out to her biological father only to be rejected. This would forever fuel her sadness when she watched strangers joyfully reconnect with lost loved ones. The mother and the daughter, both learned that you can numb yourself from the pain inflicted by others but you can never escape self-inflicted pain.

“That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”

Friedrich Nietzsche ~ 19th century German philosopher

When she was twenty-five, the daughter became a wife and mother in a period in time where mothers were free to choose, work at home or away and children were encouraged to be seen and heard. Children were still expected to be good girls and boys, address older people by Mr. and Mrs and it was okay to address their parent’s friends by their first names rather than Uncle and Aunt. One day the daughter had a daughter of her own and a new hope of righting the wrongs in her own mother/daughter relationship. The daughter vowed that her relationship with her daughter would be different because she was nothing like her mother. Or was she?

As time went on the daughter started to recognize her mother’s words coming from her mouth when she spoke to her daughter. The horror of sounding like her mother struck fear into her heart. The daughter started to notice her mother’s ways of being, showed up in her way of being, and she cried for her daughter’s love. The mother’s daughter tried everything she knew to connect with her daughter, only to be rejected over and over and over again. The daughter was once again filled with anger and hurt in her heart, not only for her mother and her daughter but for herself as she grew older and became a grandmother.

When the daughter was fifty, she realized that she had the same relationship with her daughter that she had with her mother! She sank deep into despair. In her heart, she knew that she would have to heal her relationship with her mother to change her relationship with her daughter and the thought of this terrified her. What if she couldn’t??? For many years the daughter had tried to forgive her mother, for choices that her mother made. As a mother herself she understood that her mother had done the best that she could. The daughter worked hard at forgiving and she thought that she had finally reached forgiveness towards her mother. Finally she could have the relationship with her daughter that she longed for. Or could she?

The daughter watched her daughter blossom into a beautiful, wise woman who expressed her love for everyone except her mother. No matter how the daughter expressed her love to her daughter, the her daughter would meet her with nothingness. “I love you” was met with silence. “Can we get together?” was answered with “I’m busy”. The daughter’s heart was broken and again she felt the divide between mother and daughter tear open. The daughter knew that she couldn’t run from the pain of others and saw that she couldn’t run away from self-inflicted pain either. The daughter was heartbroken as she didn’t want this for her own daughter now that her daughter had a daughter of her own.

Watching history repeating itself was more than the daughter could bare and she vowed that she would find a way to change the future. For the sake of her mother, who was no longer living, her daughter, her daughter’s daughter, and finally for herself. She didn’t know how she would do this, and she was determined to end the cycle because she knew it was important for all daughters beyond her. The daughter knew that healing her own heart was the key to healing her mother’s heart, even though she was no longer living. She knew that healing her daughter’s heart gave promise for a loving relationship with her daughter, her daughter’s daughter and future generations of daughters to come.

In her twilight years, the daughter is taking a stand for herself, for her mother, her daughter, her daughter’s daughter, and future generations of daughters, so they are free to express their love for each other from their hearts. For the first time in her life, the daughter had found forgiveness for her mother, her daughter and herself. She trusts that the wounds within her heart have finally healed, once and forever, for all daughters past, present and future.

New World Thinking ~ In The World of Intolerance

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I have been searching high and low for tolerance in the world of intolerance and I found it on highway 97 in the middle of British Columbia Canada! In fact it literally smacked me on the side of my cheek in the middle of a long drive from Vancouver to 100 Mile House in June of 2020.

I am so aware of the level of intolerance we live with daily as it has increased significantly since the beginning of the pandemic we are currently experiencing. The pressure to conform to one camp or the another is about to explode in my mind and I’ve frantically been searching for relief from that pressure since the beginning. I don’t like conflict! I do not do well with adversity and feeling like I’m swimming against the current! I have never been in such a polarized state such as we are seeing today, call me lucky or call me sheltered, all I know is I’ve never experienced the magnitude of intolerance that is present today.

Photo by Anni Roenkae on Pexels.com

Back to where this all changed for me! So here I am, on a drive from Vancouver to 100 Mile House in the middle of British Columbia. I’m escaping my realty of lockdowns at home, heading into the Cariboo to self-isolate on a 900 acre ranch. There is nothing like being in the middle of nowhere when you need to get away from everywhere! I was listening to the radio, singing along with some song when it cut to silence. I hit a dead zone, one of many on this route. That’s okay I was thinking to myself, I downloaded a few podcasts specifically for this reason. I will pop one of those on to keep me company while I drive. I chose an unknown to me, podcast called The Lifestylist with Luke Storey, who was interviewing a man talking about the current pandemic situation, it was two hours long. Perfect, I was about two hours away from my destination! Within seconds I realized that the guest speaker was a conspiracy theorist! UUUGGHHHH! I am so not into conspiracy theories, so I turned it off and found myself in silence again. This lasted for about five minutes when I decided even a conspiracy theorist was better than the deafening silence so I turned it back on. I gave myself permission to hear what this man had to say BUT I wasn’t buying in to what he was saying!

What transpired after that completely took me by surprise! What I found in his words were elements of truths that resonated within me at the very core of my being! For me what I was hearing via legacy media, “professionals” like Bonnie Henry didn’t add up, there were so many holes in what was being reported that were not resonating with me and I was feeling so lost in their words. Since the beginning I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right and I couldn’t figure out what that was. I put it down to, I don’t know enough about this, they don’t know enough about this, it’s so new, of course none of us know enough about this and I wasn’t willing to follow just because I didn’t know!

Photo by Fiona Art on Pexels.com

I have never been a very good follower, I tried when I was younger and it never turned out for me so as an older adult (over 50) I was so grateful to finally reach an age that it was okay to do my own thing! LOL, why is it that once we hit 50 our brains switch into “I don’t give a shit what anybody thinks of me anymore”. Another thing I’m grateful for! Anyway, back to my story…

As I listened to the podcast and hearing things that were resonating I came to understand that my intolerance of other people’s views almost stopped me from hearing truths that I was connected to! My truths! Then I was thinking, if I were to listening to others that I am feeling intolerant of, such as the Bonnie Henry’s, the legacy media views and other “lunatics” (not my label) I wonder what other truths would I hear? Finally, how would I know if I’m hearing truths or non-truths? These legitimate questions flung the doors wide open on a new way of listening to the sea of information swirling about this current event. This was my opportunity to practice tolerance, discernment, and really connect with my inner-knowing! To hear the elements of truth in the array of perspectives has become my life focus and honing the art of listening has become my practice. Combined with my trust of my inner-knowing I have finally found tolerance in the world of intolerance and not a moment too soon!

Photo by Sachin C Nair on Pexels.com

What I’ve come to recognize, when I hear things that resonate, they truly do that, they resonate! I feel, what I can only describe an inner warmth throughout my body, I can hear a gentle hum within my body and I get a rush of energy that pulses from head to toe. These are my ‘signs’ of resonation, I don’t know what will show up for you as only you can discover that for yourself. I do know that if you pay attention while listening you will also come to identify yours and your ability to successfully separate your truths from the non-truths in any situation. This skill alone will give you the freedom to make choices for your higher good and for the higher good of others in your care.

I am Worthy

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Of course I am, I say these words to myself all the time! I AM worthy of the best that love and life have to offer! Right? Saying this statement in a Psych-K session revealed otherwise and it was the first time I experienced the difference between what I thought was true and the truth I was unaware of. How is this possible and what the heck is Psych-K?

Psych-K is a relatively young healing system created by Robert Williams back in 1987. This modality works at a sub-conscious level as a truth revealing and balancing tool used to identify and effectively rewrite limiting beliefs into empowering ones. A long statement that means your inner truth, no matter what you say is revealed, using muscle testing techniques, to confirm your truth. It’s your personal lie-detector used to expose areas in your life that you may want to pay attention to. The good thing is this tool works for you not against you because it reveals the source of those pesky bad habits that block and helps you re-frame limiting beliefs driving those habits.

I learned about Psych-K in a book that I was reading, back in 2016, called “Biology of Belief” by Dr. Bruce Lipton. He talked about this modality and his experiences with it. I was intrigued, something in here spoke to my inner knowing and I stepped onto the path of learning more. I found out that Psych-K was indeed a healing modality and workshops to learn how to use it was available in my area. I signed up for the basic course and experienced my first of many mind-blown moments.

It was my turn to work with the instructor, Sandra Wallin, in the front of the group. We went through the setup procedure to establish connection between us and to recognize how I responded to positive and negative responses. We both clearly understood the different responses and then we began, it was like this.

Sandra: “Do you believe that you are worthy?” “Of course!” I said, with a big smile on my face, this was something I had done a lot of healing work around.

Sandra: “Let’s test this statement to confirm it as your truth”. “No problem” I replied. I felt confident in my answer because I’ve been working on healing my self-worth for a while now and I believed I’ve mastered this one.

Sandra: “Repeat this statement out loud and we will muscle test for clarity, I am worthy of the best that love and life have to offer.” Immediately after repeating the statement out loud, the muscle test indicated this was not true! Not true? How could this be? I had done so much work around healing my issues with self-worth! Sandra could see my dis-belief so we did the test again slightly changing the statement to “I am not worthy…” and the results confirmed that this was the statement I truly believed. I was dumbfounded. She asked me if I would like to transform that believe statement into a positive truth and I said “absolutely!”. We went through the balance procedure for re-writing the dis-empowering belief statement into an em-powering one and locked it into my sub-conscious mind and proceeded to muscle test the original statement again. This time the results were reversed and I was introduced to the difference between conscious and sub-conscious minds.

I had no idea they were not one and the same and I certainly had no idea they didn’t work the same! I also learned that day that I wanted to learn more about this modality so I signed up and completed the Advanced course in January 2018 and added this life-changing tool to my growing tool chest.

Today, three years later I still use this tool, combined with a few others I’ve collected along the way, to help others find their self-worth too. I truly believe that we are all worthy of the best that love and life have to offer and yes I muscle tested this statement to be sure that it’s my truth.

#SharedWisdom

I am Love

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I remember the first time I intentionally looked into my own eyes (with the help of a full length mirror) and said, “I love you”.

I couldn’t do it.

It felt like a big lie.

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

This was an incredibly painful exercise!

This is also one of the most transformational exercises I’ve ever done to finally experience a breakthrough in my relationship with self-loathing. I share this exercise with every women I work with who battle low self-esteem and self-worth because self-love is the first step to defeating the hold these have in our lives. I invite you to try this exercise for yourself and watch your truthful reaction. It’s perfect how ever it shows up because it’s exactly where you are on this journey.

The Exercise:

Inner Essence Exercise

As I stand naked in front of my full length mirror, taking a moment to really look at every part of my body, I notice the distain. I notice how I’m already feeling uncomfortable with what I see and when I look into my eyes to say, “I love you” that full blown discomfort explodes in front of me and forces me to look away!

I do not find comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this experience and for myself and all the women I’ve shared this with I can say, I/we deserved to be loved for who we are! Truly loved, inside and out by ourselves and others! The good news is, it got easier to do this exercise the more I practiced and the day finally arrived! The day I could comfortably look in my mirror, look into my own eyes and honestly say, “I love you, with all your flaws, smiles, tears, habits, everything, I just love you.

This is the day I reconnected with the beautiful soul within me in a way I never imagined that I could, and it’s the day I truly felt love as it was intended for all of us. FOR ALL OF US. It’s really important to understand that self-love IS NOT the same as self-absorbed like our society would like us to believe! Looking back at my own relationship with self-love I can see why my self-worth, self-care and self-esteem were so low!

I remember my mother reminding me that it wasn’t nice to stare at myself in the mirror, it was vain or having girlfriends say “you think you are something special” like that was something bad. How many of us heard a parent say “stop thinking about yourself, stop being so selfish, it’s rude to care about yourself first”. I grew up in the era of being a good girl meant taking care of everyone else’s needs before my own. Thank goodness we have re-discovered the importance of self-love and recognize that it’s vital to truly loving others! It’s the right time to practice the

I love you too!

The fact is loving ourselves first is the doorway to truly loving others in a way that we were meant to feel love. I think RuPaul says it best and I quote: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else!” I love RuPaul, s-he says it with such clarity. I see self-love as filling my cup first and it over-flows nourishing others in the process. The more love I have for myself, the more love I have to give others and I can’t give what I don’t have.

I originally wrote this piece last year, December 2021, and I continue to check in with this exercise to make sure it’s still true today! I am happy to say it’s more true today and it has transformed my relationships with others as well! My capacity to love another, even when they are not showing me love has been the biggest surprise to me. To be able to return non-love with love is a gift that brings me a freedom of mind I’ve never experienced before in my lifetime. How does this work you ask?

I believe it’s because I accept myself as I am. I allow and embrace my flaws, defects, both inside and out for what they are, not what I make them mean and I recognize other people’s opinion/reaction towards me is about them not me. I wish this for everyone and if there is anything I could say or do to help others have this for themselves I will!

@kulasanayha

I am so committed to this level of love that I have chosen a name for myself that speaks to who I am for others! I have chosen the name Kula Sanayha, two Sanskrit words representing “Community” “Love”. As Kula Sanyaha I am a community of love for all beings and living by example for all who are ready to connect with the power of love.

Giant Leaps From Little Steps

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photo of a man sitting under the tree
Photo by Samuel Silitonga on Pexels.com

I have been known to say “knowing doesn’t make a difference” when talking about what to do when making changes in my life.  For example, I would say “I want to lose weight”, I know there are countless ways to lose weight and I’m not using any of them!  It feels like every day that someone is sharing their weight loss method that worked for them and if I used it I would lose weight too!  Yes, I believe this is true and knowing doesn’t make a difference!

I could lose weight (I don’t have any medical reasons why I can’t) and I choose not too.  Why? Because there is something else at play here that lives deep within my sub-conscious that stops me and until I find it nothing will work. Anytime I feel blocked or held back in my life the culprit is a limiting belief I hold in my sub-conscious mind.

When you consider that we have thousands of thoughts coursing through our brains every minute and the challenging part is we are unaware of most of them. Is it possible that there are limiting beliefs among those thoughts that are mucking up our lives?  As I read the “The Biology of Belief” by Dr. Bruce Lipton I have learned more about the existence of these beliefs and how they influence my actions and inactions.

Knowing this DOES make a difference!

Eureka, I have found a piece of life’s puzzle that was missing!  Now I have what I need to change the list of beliefs I have been listening to most of my life, rewriting them in a way that empowers me.  Is it possible to change the words in my belief statements and create new believable belief statements?  Could it be this simple?  The answer is YES and it’s highly effective when you go through the steps I am sharing here.

It starts with identifying the hidden belief statements by looking at your feelings and actions in a specific situation.  For example, when I looked at my current financial situation I focussed on how I felt about it, how I viewed money, how I saw other people with money, how I handled money, etc.  What emerged were very loud, very negative thoughts and feelings I had about money. Up till now, I wasn’t aware of most of those thoughts and feelings and for the few, I was aware of, I didn’t see them as controlling my life!  This was a total eye-opener for me!

What is so cool is, I use this process in all areas of my life where I have felt stuck, stopped, and out of ways to change.

Here is the step by step process I went through:

  1. I identified the limiting belief as I believed it to be (the negative statement I heard in my mind)
  2. I reworded the old belief statement into a positive one using the following criteria: state in the first person (I), use present tense (now, not future), using positive language and keeping it short and finally, make it emotionally meaningful to me (resonating)
  3. I effectively use these statements in meditation, emotional freedom technique and written form to remind myself that they are my truth.

It sounds simple, doesn’t it?  I can assure you it wasn’t and each time I go through this process I can honestly say it is so worth the discomfort of converting old into new! When I was writing my original belief statements I was taken back as the words I wrote would cause tears to well up in my eyes. The feelings were so raw and right there! I was literally writing and crying at the same time and struggling through the process. I had a flashback of specific moments in my life that were painful and confirmed why I believed these statements.  I have to say I learn a few valuable lessons while going through this experience 1. the pain of living with these statements far outweighed the pain I was feeling at the moment and 2. I didn’t die going through this exercise.

I was challenged to reword these belief statements using the criteria.  I found myself using words like I wish, I want, I will, none of which are present tense.  I also found my statements were too long and when I read them, they sounded good but I wasn’t really connected to them.  What’s really amazing to me is the completeness of all the work I went through in this process. Now, I can look at these statements and I no longer have any feelings about them.  I have come back to this post on many occasions to test the process and when I read these statements it’s like they didn’t mean anything to me.  I am so grateful for the tools I have learned and as new limiting beliefs expose themselves to me I put myself through this exercise with them too.

Here is a list of limiting beliefs I identified for myself, as you read this you may find yourself resonating with these particular beliefs too.  Feel free to use them if you do.

  • Original belief: I believe that when I ask for help no-one will be there for me
  • New belief: I feel love and support from others like a warm blanket on a cold day
  • Original belief: I believe that no matter what I do things will never change for me
  • New belief: Every step I take changes my view of life
  • Original belief: I believe that happiness is possible I just don’t know what will make me happy
  • New belief: I recognize happy moments in my life every day, both big and small
  • Old belief: I believe, despite multiple attempts to change it,  I am not where I want to be and I will never get there
  • New belief: I am exactly where I need to be and anywhere I want to go is reachable from here

When I read these words a smile has replaced the tears and the peacefulness I feel inside confirms the transformation for me. It takes little steps to transform your limiting beliefs and the promise of giant leaps is real. Yes, it does work and it can work for you too when you are ready. If you need help formulating your statements, feel free to contact me for help.

What limiting beliefs hold you back in your life?